The Parody of the Three Kingdoms
by Ryan von Fiedler
Summary: A full parody run through of The Romance of the Three Kingdoms.
1. Three Heroes Swear Brotherhood

Disclaimer:

I am destroying a great piece of history, both real and in literature, and I should be ashamed of myself. But it's damn good fun. Three kingdoms history and its characters are not owned by KOEI. KOEI does not own the three kingdoms anymore than EA owns World War II.

So the world under heaven, after a long period of division, tends to unite; after a long period of union, tends to divide. The Zhuo dynasty divided and became the Qin dynasty. They divided and became the Han dynasty. And then the Han dynasty looked like it was going to divide. You see this black serpent attacked Emperor Ling, and then there was an earthquake and a tidal wave. Then all these chickens got sex changes. So the Emperor was in a bad spot, but his eunuchs told him nothing was wrong. But really they wanted power for themselves. They just didn't quite have the balls to run a country so large. So this doctor named Zhang Jue, who really only said he was a doctor so that he could be a lure young boys into office, met an old man. The old man tried to stop him.

Zhang Jue: I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in _old_ men.

Old Man: Aha! I love your irreverent attitude. Come with me into this cave.

Zhang Jue: While I appreciate the irony, I really don't swing that way.

Now you see the old man was also a doctor, which is convenient because Zhang Jue needed medical attention after being stabbed repeatedly by some old guy for refusing to go into some cave. He woke up an hour later with his wounds magically healed.

Zhang Jue: Wow! My wounds are magically healed! I don't feel any pain at all! Except, my butt feels kind of sore.

Old Man: Umm... pay no attention to that. A slight after affect of my magic I'm afraid.

Zhang Jue: Wow! If I was as good of a doctor, I would be rich. Then I could build my own Neverland Ranch!

Old Man: You too can possess this power. All you have to do is read this book, the _Essential Arts of Peace_. And you can have it for the one low price of ten thousand catties of gold!

Zhang Jue: Well awesome!

And so Zhang Jue used his life savings to buy the book and became very powerful and rich. He eventually built his own Neverland Ranch, but the powers that be got suspicious.

Cao Jie: This man is taking advantage of children. Only we get to take advantage of people!

Zhang Jue: That's ignorance.

And so faced with the eunuchs knocking on his door, Zhang Jue had to make a decision. He would organize a movement called the Way of Peace. He organized all of his followers and said...

Zhang Jue: The good fortune of the Han is exhausted, and the Wise and Worthy Man has appeared. Discern the will of Heaven, O ye people, and walk in the way of righteousness, whereby alone ye may attain to peace.

And so he gave yellow scarves to all of his followers, and they called themselves the Yellow Turbans. It was short for the Yellow Turban Man Boy Love Association, but that name didn't poll well in the recruitment offices.

He Jin: The yellow turbans are nearly half a million strong. I fear we may lose this battle.

And so recruitment posters were set up around the country to entice people to join the fight against the yellow turbans. "Uncle Liu Wants You". One such poster was put up in Zhuo County. In this county lived a man named Liu Bei. He was a descendant of Emperor Jing, not that anyone cares. His grandfather was governor of Zhuo once, but he lost it and all of the Liu family's possesions in a bet over a game of Wei Chi. As the family had nothing, Bei had to sell straw sandals and weave grass mats. One day, Bei climbed a tree and proclaimed...

Liu Bei: I am the Son of Heaven and this is my chariot!

His uncle, who was an idiot and very rich, happened to walk by.

Liu Yuanqi: Oh my god how are you doing that! That is amazing! There's no chariot, and yet, you are riding one!

Impressed by the child's ability to pretend, Yuanqi gave his mother enough money to live well for the rest of her life. But by Liu Bei's fifteenth birthday, she had spent all the money on her hashish addiction. Bei was kicked out of the house and traveled the land, being taught by such people as Zheng Xuan and Lu Zhi. He also became good friends with Gongsun Zan. Liu Bei read the recruitment sign, and sighed.

Zhang Fei: Sir, why sigh if you do nothing to help your country? I am Zhang Fei, the local butcher, and I say that we raise some troops and fight this menace.

They walked into the market, and there was ruckus. The other butcher in town kept his prized pig in a well, but the well was mysteriously blocked by a large rock.

Liu Bei: Imagine, a rock just suddenly appearing and blocking the well.

Zhang Fei: Yes, imagine that.

Zhang Fei let out a small chuckle. But than this other guy came out of nowhere and lifted the rock up and off of the well. This man was Guan Yu. Yu was from Xie County, and had to flee after killing a local bully, but nobody liked him anyways. When Guan Yu was just a boy, he got a red balloon, and this balloon was his favorite thing in the world. Once, Guan Yu saw the ghost of Confucius.

Guan Yu: Lord Confucius, words cannot express my gratitude towards your teachings, so I give you my most prized possession.

Confucius: I don't like balloons.

And with that, Confucius struck the balloon down with lightning. From that day, Guan Yu no longer adhered to Confucian values. If someone wanted his respect, they had to earn it. In Zhuo, Guan Yu was selling mango seeds. Zhang Fei took a pouch of seeds and crushed it in his hands. He opened the pouch and proclaimed...

Zhang Fei: Look this man is selling nothing but powde...

**BAM!** Guan Yu punched him right in the face. But Zhang Fei was not weak, he started throwing back punches. The fight heated up, and by the end it had destroyed the entire marketplace and several cows. When it was all over, Zhang Fei and Guan Yu kissed and made up. Then the three heroes swore an oath of brotherhood. They also swore to die on the same day. They had weapons forged for them; Liu Bei got a pair of swords, Guan Yu got his Green Dragon Saber, and Zhang Fei got an eighteen foot serpent spear.

Liu Bei: Don't you think that weapon is bit long?

Zhang Fei: What do you mean?

Liu Bei: I know range is important, but, _damn_.

Guan Yu: Hey Fei, come over and check out my awesome Green Dragon!

Zhang Fei turned to go over to Guan Yu and the back of his spear cracked Liu Bei upside the head.

Liu Bei: **OW!**

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	2. One Victory Shatters the Rebels

Xu Huang: And so the story picks up where it left off, with Xu Huang, grand general of the Yellow Turban Rebellion! Destroying Han generals left and right…

Xu Huang will not be mentioned at this time.

Xu Huang: What!

Instead we will talk about Liu Bei and his brothers, who are heading off to battle the Yellow Turbans. Approaching Cheng Yuanzhi, Liu Bei hurls a reproach...

Liu Bei: O malcontents! Why not dismount and be bound?

Cheng Yuanzhi: Oh, I never thought about that before. I didn't know we could do that. What do you think Deng Mao?

**WHACK!**

Zhang Fei: Sorry!

Cheng Yuanzhi: Oh my god! You killed Deng Mao!

And with that, Guan Yu cut Cheng Yuanzhi in twain.

Zhang Fei: Was that necessary?

Liu Bei: I have two swords and that is twice as cool.

Xu Huang: Hold it! You couldn't mention me, but you talk about this guy who died?

At least he died. Anyways, Liu Bei also saved Qin Zhou. Then he went to save his old master Lu Zhi, who ran into trouble. They met up with Huangfu Song and Zhu Jun. Apparently, they were going to fight Zhang Jue's brothers. Zhang Bao and Zhang Liang. This would be their hardest fight yet. Actually, the Zhang brothers got their asses kicked.

Guan Yu: How pathetic, and these are the so called Lords of Earth and Human.

Zhang Fei: I don't know, that Zhang Bao was pretty cool.

Guan Yu: Was? He's still alive you dick.

He indeed was alive. The Zhang brothers were being chased by Cao Cao. Cao Cao's father, Cao Song, was born of the Xiahou family, but was originally brought up by the Eunuch Cao Teng. Cao Cao was a devious little youth, only surpassed by his uncle. Cao Cao knew he had to do something. So he killed a hooker. His uncle walked by and noticed this act, so he ran to tell Cao Song. But when Cao Song went to see, the hooker had already been disposed of. Cao Song never trusted his brother again. He also told his brother's boss what happened, and his brother was fired, out of a cannon. By and by Cao Cao became a commanding officer. The Eunuch Jian Shou's uncle was found carrying a sword and was arrested and beaten on Cao Cao's watch. Actually it was a sharpened stick, but people got the message. Don't #$ with Cao Cao. Liu Bei finally met up with Lu Zhi, who was in a cage-cart.

Lu Zhi: I was holding off the rebels when the Eunuch Zhuo Feng asked for a bribe. I wouldn't give him one, so he arrested me and replaced me with Dong Zhuo.

Zhang Fei was so enraged that he would slay the guards, but Liu Bei checked him. Unfortunately, Guan Yu had already cut them in twain.

Liu Bei: Damnit Yunchang! Now how is Lu Zhi going to be transported to the capital?

Luo Zhan: With little they could do, Liu Bei and his brothers went off to fight Zhang Jue.

Lu Zhi: Umm... guys? Help?

And so the brothers rescued Dong Zhuo. But when he asked what offices they had, they could only say that they had none. So Dong Zhuo was disrespectful. Guan Yu became so angry that he could only watch as Zhang Fei raised his spear to strike down Dong Zhuo.

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	3. Zhangs Fei Whips the Inspector

Dong Zhuo was born in the far northwest at Lin Dao in the West Valley Land. As the Governor of He Dong, Dong Zhuo himself was arrogant and overbearing. But the day he had treated Liu Bei with contumely would have been his last, had not Liu Bei restrained his wrathful brother Zhang Fei.

Liu Bei: Remember he has the government commission. Who are we to judge and slay?

Guan Yu: Must... slice... twain...

Liu Bei and his brothers left and ran in with Zhu Jun, who was planning to attack Zhang Bao. They fought against him, but there was a great storm and the troops became scared and were defeated.

Zhu Jun: Zhang Bao uses pure magic. In order to defile his pure magic, we'll crap on him.

Liu Bei: We'll... what?

Zhu Jun: Tonight all of our troops will be issued a can of chili. Meanwhile, we'll build a large gate mechanism. When the Turbans pass under the gate, we'll open up a hole in the top and every soldier will take a huge dump on the enemy forces.

So the next day Zhang Bao passed under the shoddy archway, and was defecated upon en-mass.

Liu Bei: I must say that this is rather undignified.

Guan Yu: I must agree brother.

Zhang Fei: Oh... it burns so good...

Zhang Bao: OH THE INHUMANNITY!

Full of crap, Zhang Bao retreated towards Yang Cheng. Zhang Fei killed several Yellow Turbans from the distance of the archway, while Guan Yu got in close and cleft them in twain.

Liu Bei: This is a bow... I pull back on the drawstring... and...

**Thwit!**

Liu Bei: Oops...

Zhang Bao: _Ow... my left arm... _

So Zhang Bao retreated into Yang Cheng and was besieged by Zhu Jun. His most trusted advisor Yan Zheng made a proposal in order to stop the siege.

Yan Zheng: If we cut your head off and give it to the enemy captain, then the rest of us will be given amnesty.

Zhang Bao: Everybody wins!

Luo Zhan: And so it was done. Meanwhile, Huangfu Song had slain Zhang Liang at Qu Yang. He was made to replace Dong Zhuo, because honestly, who doesn't hate Dong Zhuo? Oh yeah, Zhang Jue also died. The STDs finally caught up with him. Huangfu Song did not forget his friends. So Lu Zhi and Cao Cao were given huge promotions and fiestas were thrown in their honor. Even with all the Zhang brothers dead, remnant Turban forces pillaged and raped… little boys. Zhu Jun attacked Han Zhong who was holed up in Wan Cheng. Liu Bei then pressed hotly in the rear.

Zhang Fei: Tee hee...

The Turbans wished to surrender, but Zhu Jun's orders were to not annihilate them.

Liu Bei: Seeing that the founder of the Han Dynasty, Liu Bang the Supreme Ancestor, could welcome the submissive and receive the favorable, why reject these?

Zhu Jun: The conditions are different. In those old days disorder was universal and the people had no fixed lord. Wherefore submission was welcomed and support rewarded to encourage people to come over. Now the empire is united, and the Yellow Scarves are the only malcontents. To receive their surrender is not to encourage the good. To allow brigands, when successful, is to give way to every license, and to let them surrender when they fail is to encourage brigandage. Your plan is not a good one.

Liu Bei: Then why did you accept Xu Huang?

Zhu Jun: Oh, we just can't get him to leave.

Xu Huang: And so Xu Huang finally shows his true colors, secretly working for the glory of the Han the whole time. Why, the Han would not have won had it not been for the exploits of...

Zhu Jun: Xu Huang! Shut up!

Xu Huang: ... Oh...

Liu Bei: Well I suppose that we should kill Han Zhong.

Guan Yu: I beat you to it.

Liu Bei: How did you sneak into the city?

Guan Yu: What city?

Zhu Jun: Wan Cheng.

Guan Yu: Oh... Han Zhong left the city to take a piss by that tree whilst the two of you were arguing.

Luo Zhan: However, the rebels Zhao Hong and Sun Zhong came with a large body of reinforcements and entered the city. Just then there arrived a body of horse and foot from the east. At the lead was one general with a broad open face, a body as an alert tiger's, and a torso as a lofty bear's. His name was Sun Jian. He was a native of Fu Chun in the old state of Wu, a descendant of the famous Sun Tzu the Strategist. When he was seventeen, Sun Jian was with his father on the River Qian Tang and saw a party of pirates, who had been plundering a merchant, dividing their booty on the river bank.

Sun Jian: We can capture these!

Mr. Sun Jian's Dad: What are you insane?

Sun Jian: **Qa'Pla!**

Pirates: Oh crap he's got a sword! Run!

So Zhu Jun gladly welcomed Sun Jian.

Zhu Jun: Okay, the enemy is inside the city. There are way too many to take on in a direct assault, so we need strategy.

Sun Jian: Let's do this! **Qa'Pla!**

Liu Bei: Oh my god did he just run in there alone?

Sun Jian: **Qa'Pla! Qa'Pla!**

So Sun Jian killed every last Yellow Turban. When Zhu Jun returned to the capital he was promoted. He also recommended Sun Jian and Liu Bei, so they were both promoted. Both with the exception of Liu Bei. 

Liu Bei: Oh poo.

Luckily, Liu Bei met Zhang Jun, and whined accordingly. So Zhang Jun went to the Emperor. A list of people to receive posts was made, and Liu Bei became magistrate of An Xi. Liu Bei may not be a good fighter, or strategist, but he can run a city very well. The city was soon crime free. However, an inspector came and asked about Liu Bei's origin.

Liu Bei: I am descended from Prince Sheng of Zhong Shan. Since my first fight with the Yellow Scarves rebels at Zhuo County, I have been in some thirty battles, wherein I gained some trifling merit. My reward was this office.

Inspector: You lie. Gimme money.

Now Zhang Fei was drunk and took the inspector out back and beat him with a branch. Liu Bei and Guan Yu went outside after Zhang Fei.

Inspector: Help, save me!

Liu Bei tried to calm his brother down, but Guan Yu had already cleft the inspector in twain. By and by, people began to wonder where the inspector was, and an order went out for the brother's arrest. But they had already taken safe passage with Liu Hu.

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	4. He Jin Plots to Kill the Eunuchs

By this time the Eunuchs had become real dicks. They demanded gifts from all those who helped defeat the rebels. All who didn't give gifts were relieved of their posts.

Huangfu Song: So I decided to give the Eunuchs a wagon full of gold catties. 

Zhu Jun: You got them money? They are loaded with money. You could at least be creative.

Huangfu Song: Well what did you get them?

Zhu Jun: Me... uh... _a fifty dollar gift card to Abercrombie and Fitch..._

Huangfu Song: A gift card! That is so lame...

Lu Zhi: Hey guys! You should have seen the amazing jade statue I gave to the Eunuch on Tuesday.

Zhu Jun: But don't we give our gifts _next_ tuesday?

Lu Zhi: No, didn't you get the memo?

Huangfu Song: Dude, we are so boned.

Luo Zhan: Rebellion soon broke out in Chang Sha and Yu Yang. Liu Tao approached the Emperor about the Eunuchs, but they started weeping at his feet.

Cao Jie: We mean no harm...

Zhao Zhong: Please spare us.

Eunuchs: We have no balls!

Emperor Ling: You also have servants. Why can't you bear with mine?

The Emperor wanted to execute Liu Tao, but Chen Dan interjected. He accused Feng Xu of being in league with the Yellow Turbans.

Feng Xu: It's perfectly normal to share a bed with little boys!

So Chen Dan and Liu Tao went to prison.

Chen Dan: Well this is just peachy.

Bubba: Ooh right...

Cao Jie: Perhaps we have grown too arrogant. I have already sent an edict to Sun Jian to remedy the situation in Chang Sha...

Sun Jian: _Qa'Pla! Qa'Pla!_

Cao Jie: Oh sounds like he's at it now. We'll make him lord of Wu Cheng. Now for the trouble in Yu Yang. We'll send Liu Yu.

Liu Yu commissioned Liu Bei to fight against the rebels. After a generic long spear joke, a generic cleft in twain joke, and an inept Liu Bei joke, the area was tranquil. Liu Bei was pardoned for his crimes and was made Deputy Magistrate of Xia Mi.

Gongsun Zan: Oh! Liu Bei is too good for that post! He defeated all the Yellow Turbans! And he is smart and able and sexy and smart and cool and...

For this rather disturbing praise, Liu Bei was promoted to Magistrate of Ping Yuan. Liu Yu was promoted to grand commander. Xu Huang still sucks. One day the Emperor grew seriously ill and called He Jin to arrange for the future. He Jin may be inept, but his sister was the village bicycle and she bore a son to the Emperor named Liu Bian. The Emperor had also greatly loved a tiger named Wang, who had born him a son named Liu Xian. Empress He had poisoned Wang from jealousy, and the baby had been given into the care of Empress Dong, who was the mother of Emperor Ling. Lady Dong was the wife of Liu Chang, Lord of Jie Du. As time went on and the Emperor Huan had no son of his own, he adopted the son of Liu Chang, who succeeded as the Emperor Ling. After his accession, Emperor Ling had taken his own mother into the Palace to live and had conferred upon her the title of Empress Dowager. And so are the days of our lives. The Empress Dong loved Xian and wanted him to be heir. The Eunuchs just thought a half-tiger emperor would be bitchin' awesome.

He Jin: I called you all here to talk about the Eunuchs. They want to put Xian on the throne now that Emperor Ling has died. I want Bian on the throne, but they set a trap for me. Oh, I feel so insignificant. 

Yuan Shao: Don't feel insignif "I Can't", feel insignif "I Can"!

Cao Cao: Why not just call him significant?

Yuan Shao: What do inferiors like you know of the ways of government? All my ancestors had high posts in the government. Cheer up He Jin! I made an inspirational poster for you!

A large brightly colored poster was brought in, with the words "Eunuchs Got You Down? Have A Cookie!".

Cao Cao: You are a damn fool!

Yuan Shao: Don't even try me! I swear to God I'll make you feel bad!

He Jin: Oh screw this. We'll just go in and kill everyone.

But the Eunuchs sensed danger and pleaded with Empress He.

Cao Jie: It wasn't us! The Eunuch Jian Shou who set the trap!

Jian Shou: Whoa, hey, I'm just the janitor. I didn't...

**GACK! **After the execution of the Eunuch, Empress He called for He Jin. Time passed, one thing led to another, and Empress Dong was poisoned to death. But eventually He Jin decided that it would be a good idea to slay the Eunuchs. He met with Yuan Shao and the regular company.

He Jin: This will be hard, we'll need a well thought out plan.

Cao Cao: Solving this issue is as easy as turning over one's hand! Why so much talk?

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	5. Dong Zhuo Attempts to Denounce Ding Yuan

Cao Cao: The eunuch evil is of very old standing, but the real cause of the present trouble is in the improper influence allowed them by the emperors and the misplaced favoritism they have enjoyed. But a gaoler would be ample force to employ against this kind of evil, and getting rid of the main culprits is quite enough. Why increase confusion by summoning troops from the regions? Any desire to slay all of them will speedily become known, and the plan will fail.

He Jin: Then, Cao Cao, you have some scheme of your own to further?

Cao Cao: Indeed. We shall poison the water supply.

He Jin: Won't that kill everyone in the capital?

Cao Cao: Yes! It's the perfect plan!

Yuan Shao: Now, now, there is no I in "poison the water su..."

Cao Cao: DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!

... 

Yuan Shao: Somebody needs a hug.

Cao Cao: Argh! I'm leaving! The one who throws the world into chaos is He Jin!

So He Jin sent letters calling regional lords to assist against the Eunuchs. The ten utterly defenseless Eunuchs. Meanwhile Fatbody, I mean Dong Zhuo, had kissed just enough ass to get his old job back. He got the letter and practically drooled over the chance to take power for himself. He took a large army and headed towards Luo Yang. News reached He Jin and his posse.

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

He Jin: You are too timorous: You are unequal to great schemes.

Lu Zhi: Long have I known this man. In appearance innocent, he is a very wolf at heart. Let him in, and calamity enters with him. Stop him, do not let him come, and thus will you avoid upheaval. Otherwise we shall leave, right Tai?

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

He Jin: Fine! Be that way! Dong Zhuo will be my _new_ friend! And we'll play kill the Eunuchs without you!

Saddened, He Jin looked upon one of Yuan Shao's inspiration posters. It said, "Friends Left You Because You're An Incompetent Fool? Don't Fret! Party Hardy!".

He Jin: Oh Yuan Shao, you are my only true friend.

By and by the Eunuchs realized they were in trouble again, so they whined to the Empress He. Then they set up a trap.

He Jin: Gee, I wonder what my sister wants. I better ask her.

Cao Cao: You dumbass.

Yuan Shao: I can make an inspirational poster to help you on your journey. 

He Jin: I don't think that will be necessary. This should be rather routine.

He Jin walks into the palace.

He Jin: Oh hi Ten Eunuchs. Oh hi Empress He. Oh hi band of fifty armed ruffians lying in ambush at the Gate of Grand Virtue in the Palace of Happiness, where the Empress lives.

Zhang Rang: We need to talk. Apparently, your character doesn't poll well, so we are going to have to write you off.

He Jin: What polls? This story was just posted.

So He Jin was all prepared for the biggest stunt ever. He would jump over a shark on his jet ski.

He Jin: Ayy!

But he missed and was eaten.

Yuan Shao: Oh no!

Cao Cao: Oh yes!

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

Cao Cao: Oh screw this, CHARGE!

So all of the Eunuchs except Zhang Rang were slaughtered. Rang escaped north with the young princes. He led them north towards He Nan.

Min Gong: Hello? Are you kids screwing around again?

Zhang Rang: All is lost! I'll escape across the river! Oh no! I forgot that I don't know how to swim!

The boys came across the house of Cui Yi.

Cui Yi: To what household do you and your cat belong?

Liu Bian: Oh you are mistaken, I am the Emperor and this is my brother the Prince of Chen Liu.

Liu Xian: _HISS!_

Cui Yi: Right...

Yuan Shao: Is that you Emperor?

Liu Bian: Yes, how did you get here?

Yuan Shao: Oh I was just making Cui Yi some peace necklaces.

Liu Bian: What about the battle?

Yuan Shao: I prefer to think of myself as a conscientious objector.

Liu Bian: Right...

Yuan Shao was taking the Emperor back to the capital, when suddenly a cavalcade stopped them. It was Dong Zhuo.

Liu Bian: Have you come to protect the Chariot or to steal it?

Dong Zhuo: I have come to protect.

Liu Bian: If that is so then I am the Emperor. Why do you not dismount?

Dong Zhuo: Dismount?

With that Dong Zhuo fell off of his horse. When they got back to the palace, it had turned out that the imperial hereditary seal was missing. Just a little foreshadowing there. From there-on out, Dong Zhuo camped without the walls, but was constantly seen inside of Luo Yang being a dick.

Bao Xin: This man harbors some evil design and should be removed.

Yuan Shao: Oh Bao Xin... have a cookie.

Bao Xin: ... What?

In the meantime, Dong Zhuo had planned a tea party, of dastardly do. He would get people on his side or slay them.

Dong Zhuo: I have something to say. Listen quietly all of you! The emperor is lord of all. If he lacks dignity and behaves in an unseemly manner, he is no fitting inheritor of the ancestral prerogatives. He who is now on the throne is a weakling, inferior to the Prince of Chen Liu in intelligence, love of learning, and tiger ferocity. The Prince is in every way fitted for the throne. I desire to depose the Emperor and set up the Prince in his place. What think you?

Ding Yuan: I think that you are a dick, and that having a common household cat as Emperor is the most retarded idea I have ever heard.

Dong Zhuo: There is life for those who are with me, death for those against!

Dong Zhuo unsheathed his sword and rushed Ding Yuan, but he tripped. When he got up he came face to face with the might Lu Bu.

Dong Zhuo: Oh snap...

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	6. Li Sui Bribes Lu Bu with Red Hare

Dong Zhuo got up, but was lost for words. Lu Bu was the scariest looking man alive. He was nine feet tall. He had great bulky muscles, dragon like eyebrows, and great big fangs.

Lu Bu: Oh I'm sorry you must have tripped on this fork. That is so awful of me, to see a fork on the ground and not immediately pick it up. Why, it's lucky you didn't seriously injure yourself. Oh, how rude of me not to introduce myself. I am Lu Bu, and this is my adopted father Ding Yuan.

Li Ru: And it's great to meet the both of you, but we are late for an environmental awareness meeting.

Lu Bu: Oh that is so nice of you; we must preserve the environment for our children.

So Dong Zhuo and Li Ru left the building.

Dong Zhuo: We aren't going to any pansy environmental meeting!

Li Ru: You must watch out for Lu Bu.

Dong Zhuo: Well he's scary I'll admit, but he's a freaking bleeding heart. 

Li Ru: I'm warning you, don't underestimate him.

So the next day Dong Zhuo led an army against Ding Yuan. Lu Bu was a conspicuous figure in the forefront. His hair was arranged under a handsome headdress of gold, and he had donned an embroidered thousand-flower fighting robe, a pheasant-tailed helmet, and breast plate, and round his waist was a gleaming jade belt with a lion's head clasp. With spear set he rode close behind his master Ding Yuan. 

Ding Yuan: Unhappy indeed was this state when the eunuchs became so powerful that the people were as if trodden into the mire under their feet. Now you, devoid of the least merit, dare to talk of deposing the rightful emperor and setting up another. This is to desire rebellion and no less!

Dong Zhuo: What are you going to do? Your best general is a pansy!

Lu Bu: HUA!

Dong Zhuo: SON OF A B...

We are experiencing technical difficulties. We'll be back soon…

Dong Zhuo's troops were routed.

Dong Zhuo: This Lu Bu is a marvel. If he were only on my side, I would defy the whole world!

Li Su: Be content, O my lord! I am a fellow villager of his and know him well: He is valorous, but not crafty; he will let go principles, when he sees advantages. With this little, blarneying tongue of mine, I can persuade him to put up his hands and come over to your side. You have a fine horse, Red Hare, one of the best ever bred. I must have this steed, and gold and pearls to win his heart. Then will I go and persuade him. He will certainly abandon Ding Yuan's service for yours.

Dong Zhuo: What you think Li Ru?

Li Ru: I so told you so. Dumbass.

Luo Zhan: Li Su visited Lu Bu.

Lu Bu: Friend, it is wonderful to see you. How rude of me to have lost contact.

Li Su: Oh it's ok. Your whole family was murdered and you were kidnapped and taken to the farthest reaches of the land. It's understandable.

Lu Bu: No, I could have at least tried to escape my captors.

Li Su: Yeah... well you were pretty impressive in the battle today.

Lu Bu: I fight for a more peaceful world. If there aren't any more enemies, then there wouldn't be war.

Li Su: Then why did you cut off their heads and crap down their necks?

Lu Bu: A nice _peaceful_ world.

Li Su: So do you think Ding Yuan can ensure a peaceful world?

Lu Bu: I can do no better. It would be impolite to leave him after he has taken care of me so.

Li Su: I have come now to present to you a really fine horse, a three-hundred-mile-a-day horse, one that crosses rivers and goes up mountains as if they were the level plain. Its name is Red Hare. It will be a fitting aid to your valor.

Lu Bu bade his guards lead out the horse. It was of a uniform color like glowing-sun red---not a hair of another color. It measured ten spans from head to tail and from hoof to neck eight spans. When it neighed, the sound filled the empyrean and shook the ocean. It was also a bitchin' awesome race horse.

Lu Bu: What return can I hope to make for such a creature?

Li Su: You can join Dong Zhuo.

Lu Bu: But I could never betray master Yuan.

Li Su: There are a few things you should know about Ding Yuan.

Li Su whispered into Lu Bu's ear.

Lu Bu: No... NO... NOT THE CHILDREN!

Then Li Su produced his pearls and gold and the jeweled belt and laid them out before his host.

Li Su: Dong Zhuo has long respected your bravery and sent these by my hand. Red Hare was also from him.

Lu Bu: I might slay Ding Yuan and bring over his soldiers to Dong Zhuo's side.

Luo Zhan: That night, Lu Bu confronted his father.

Ding Yuan: My son, what is afoot?

Lu Bu: I will slay you! FOR THE CHILDREN!

Ding Yuan: NO!

Lu Bu then gouged out Ding Yuan's eyeballs and, well, it's not worth going into detail over. With Lu Bu on his side, Dong Zhuo grew very powerful. He then called a great banquet.

Dong Zhuo: He who is above us being weak and irresolute is unfit for the duties of his high place. Wherefore I, as of old did Yi Yin and Huo Guang, will set aside this Emperor giving him the title of Prince of Hong Nong, and I will place on the throne the present Tiger Prince. And those who do not support me will suffer death.

All were too afraid to comment, but one man burst into tears and stood up. That man was Yuan Shao.

Yuan Shao: The Emperor was innocent of any fault, and to set him aside in favor of a commoner was rebellion and nothing else!

Dong Zhuo: The empire is in my hands! When I choose to do this thing, who will dare to say nay? Think you my sword lacks an edge?

Yuan Shao: **THERE IS NO I IN "IF YOUR SHORD IS SHARP, MINE IS NEVER BLUNT"!**

Both: AHH!

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	7. Ascension of the Tiger Prince

Yuan Shao and Dong Zhuo were attacking each other. But Li Ru checked him. Because he is a pansy.

Lu Bu: I was rather fond of that man. Oh! I know! We should promote him! 

Wu Qiong: Yuan Shao is fond of scheming, but he fails in decision and so is not to be feared. But it would be well to give him rank and thus win popular favor.

Dong Zhuo: What? Are you two gay or something?

So Yuan Shao was given an office in Bo Hai. The next day, Dong Zhuo called the Emperor and many officials to the Halls of Virtue.

Dong Zhuo: The Emperor is a weakling unequal to the burden of ruling this land. Now listen ye to the document I have prepared!

Li Ru proceeded to read the decree.

Li Ru: Umm... Dong Zhuo, we have a problem.

Dong Zhuo: What is it now?

Li Ru: It says, "I want piece in the world because then we will get flowers and love and makes the world go round. And pandas,".

Dong Zhuo: LU BU!

Lu Bu: What?

Dong Zhuo: Where is my decree?

Lu Bu: Your decree was very mean so I paraphrased it.

Dong Zhuo: What about the part about the deposition of the Emperor?

Lu Bu: That wasn't very nice so I had to cut it.

Dong Zhuo: Argh! Never mind, just imprison the Emperor and replace him with Emperor Xian.

Ding Guan: The false Dong Zhuo is the author of this insult, which I will risk my life to wipe away!

Ding Guan, who is only mentioned as a filler, was promptly executed. But he died valiantly. Oh wait, no, he didn't. Dong Zhuo became Prime Minister and was more powerful than ever. The prince of Chen Liu, his mother, and the Lady Tang were imprisoned in the Palace of Forever Calm. The prince wept like a little baby, and started singing songs. 

Dong Zhuo: Songs! This is clearly an act of rebellion!

Li Ru: Yeah, I don't think...

Dong Zhuo: EXECUTE THEM!

Li Ru: ... Ha... Fine. It's not like anyone else does anything around here.

Li Ru visited the prince. He brought a cup of wine.

Li Ru: Spring is the season of blending and harmonious interchange, and the Prime Minister sends a wine cup of longevity.

Lady Tang: Don't drink it! It's a kick, in a glass!

Li Ru: Oh somebody throw her out the window already.

**THROW!**

Lady Tang: AAAAHHH!

Empress He: The rebel forces us to death, mother and son, and Heaven has abandoned us. But you, the tool of his crime, will assuredly perish. 

**THROW!**

Empress He: NOOO!

Li Ru: Now drink or be killed by my blade!

Li Ru then forced the drink down the prince's mouth.

Liu Bian: It is but orange juice.

Li Ru: What?

Li Ru drank.

Li Ru: Hmm... LU BU!

Lu Bu peaks his head around the corner.

Li Ru: Did you do this?

Lu Bu: I thought it was an awful way to die.

Li Ru: Oh screw it!

**THROW!**

Lu Bu: Wow that is a long way down.

Liu Bian: WAHHHH!

Lady Tang: AAAAHHH!

Empress He: NOOO!

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

Empress He: Zheng Tai? What are you doing here?

Zhang Tai: I tripped out the window a few months ago!

Empress He: ... NOOO!

Liu Bian: WAHHHH!

Lady Tang: AAAAHHH!

Zheng Tai: AAIAIAIAIAIAHHH!

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